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by Ric Dube
What is it about Fiona Apple that lately makes us cringe every time she opens her mouth to speak? It's no secret that at 19 the singer/songwriter has spent more time in therapy than Woody Allen,but everyone we know is in therapy, so that's not it. Oh wait -- it's the hypocrisy!At MTV's recent Video Music Awards show Apple graciously snagged the award for Darkest Circles Under The Eyes and launched into something that more closely resembled a malediction than an acceptance speech. Her advice was sound enough: think for yourself, and don't emulate celebrities, they are no smarter than you. We'll give credit where credit is due; it was refreshing, surprising, dead on, and very non-MTV. Come to thin k of it, it was one of the evening's more entertaining moments, entertainment in and of itself being decidedly non-MTV.
Perhaps Apple's famous lack of self-esteem has allowed her to believe that nobody was listening to her anyway, because she has since turned around and begun shilling for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), asking her fans to listen up, get in line, and march for the noble cause of vegetarian thanksgiving dinners. In a toll-free PETA phone hotline message (1-888-VEG-FOOD), recorded during a recent visit to the organization's headquarters in Norfolk, Virginia, Apple points out that, "Millions of people are learning that a vegetarian diet is the healthy choice for themselves, the earth, and the animals." True enough, even if many more millions choose to ignore that fact and chow down on meat products anyway.
There are two problems here, one relatively minor compared to the other. The first is that Apple's public service announcemen t doesn't simply offer advice, it suggests an admittedly harmless but futile program of civil disobedience. Butterball turkeys are raised and lovingly killed by the Butterball Turkey company, who offer a well-publicized toll-free hotline to he lp people cook their bird properly. PETA's plan is to besiege the company with calls (on Butterball's own nickel) irrelevant to the line's purpose. "Please join me in calling Butterball," says Apple, in her recorded message, "to let them know that there is no proper way to kill and cook these beautiful birds." Yeah, call and hassle the poor saps working the Gobble-Gobble Hotline, getting paid minimum wage to take addresses for a corporate mailing list; the number is 1-800-323-4848.
The second problem is bigger, though really only for Fiona Apple. At age 20 she has shot herself in the foot by admitting that, as a celebrity, she hasn't anything of particular value to offer, other than the music she makes. Naturally, she's abs olutely right, no offense intended to her. Very few celebrities have anything to offer other than whatever skills they use to earn a living, and in many cases those aren't of any value either. But celebrity proselytizing is valuable, lucrative business because ultimately, no matter what the celebrity advocates, it helps the Q-rating.
Staying in the public eye can be tough these days for singer/songwriters. MTV doesn't play the videos like they used to, and major labels will release new albums only every couple of years. Fashionable causes have become a handy way for celebs to remind the unwashed masses that they exist. In non-election years, there will still be a Thanksgiving. There will still be roasted turkey on the dinner tables of America. Opportunity smells like Stove Top stuffing.
So we'd like to get in on the publicity game. Earlier this year, Apple donated a pair of angel wings worn during her concerts to the Hard Rock Cafe, with the stipulation that a contribution be made to PETA. We're proud to announce a deal of our own: Webnoize Buzz is proud to offer a pair of angel wings worn around the office to PETA, with the stipulation that the Hard Rock Cafe offer the diminutive Fiona Apple a dinner salad.
As a young celebrity susceptible to making a mistake here and there, Apple's is nominal. Sending contradictory messages to one's public is a whole lot healthier than say, getting hooked on heroin, even if it is more embarrassing. PETA's 1-888-VEG-FOOD line has been busy for days now; the organization has either been flooded with callers or, more likely, run through whatever budget they'd set for the toll-free service. The message offered free vegetarian recipes to those who leave PETA their names and addresses, which means that PETA is compiling a mailing list of their own.
Who are the winners here? That's easy! Free recipes for proud Americans with the good sense to call both organizations! Then you can ma ke a little veggie garnish for next Thursday's butter drenched poultry.